Thursday, April 14, 2005

I suddenly have this urge to blog. Yesterday, Hazrul reminded me that no matter how hard to try to be yourself, there’s always someone out there that will make you feel like being yourself is never enough. Of course, you tell yourself that no matter what other people think, all that matters is what you feel about yourself. But that’s how the world spins on its axis. The interpersonal relationships that intertwine us with people affect us no matter whether we want it or not. A simple glare from a stranger can turn our day into hell or a sweet smile from that cute girl can leave us grinning endlessly. Reading this self help book about confidence the other day remind me how handling situations is a crucial point on fixing these nasty interpersonal relationships. Like how a stranger fixes a cold stare upon you and you give a sweet smile instead. How someone close may hurt you with what they say and you ease the pain with humor, in a way, you may make the person feel stupid for thinking and saying things the way they did. Of course, they may be right. But having a fault in yourself doesn’t cancel out all the virtues that you might possess. Or whatever.

Anyway, breaking has been like shit this whole week. Never even break much and got so many things that has been happening. Tires me quite a lot and makes me feel like stopping breaking. But I can’t stop thinking about breaking. It’s kind of like I’m stuck balancing on the blade of a knife and the knife is in the middle of nowhere. While stepping off the knife might cause the fall to my death, the knife is actually cutting into my feet. Then I just step off and realize that actually the ground is just so close to me, but I miss the sweet pain of the knife. Or whatever.

Then the other day I overheard this conversation and it made me feel weird, more like to sick. Not that I can help eavesdropping when you all fancy talking so loudly.

A1: This Saturday night want to go to club?

A2: I can’t make it, Sunday morning book in.

A1: Hmmm, Sunday morning book in, never mind then. My Sunday is burnt too.

A2: Why? You also have to do sentry?

A1: Nah, I have to accompany my girlfriend. Don’t know what she wants.

A2: It’s that bad? (Laughs)

Stranger wearing spectacles: HAHA.

A2: I thought you just break up with her?

A1: Beats me. She wants to get back together. Anyway ……. (Censored or rather selective hearing).

A2, speckie: HAHAHA.

A2: If not, you book out on Saturday morning, go club and enjoy yourself, go out with her on Sunday……. (Blah, blah, blah), then before you book in, you break up with her. Easy heh?

All three: HAHAHA, HOHOHO, HEHEHE.

God, if I believe in you once more, will you make them go away?

PLEASE. MAKE THEM GO AWAY.

Then, J told me about this issue that really made me think of the inter-personal relationships that I talked about earlier on. Hmmm, it reminded me that I have to keep my humor to myself because one man’s drink is another man’s poison. So to that person, I’m sorry, your friendship means a lot to me. So, I won’t talk to you anymore, oh, I meant to say tease, oh, it's supposed to be talking without thinking whether it’s funny or painful. Or whatever.

So weary. I feel like that missing piece of jigsaw puzzle that everyone has. Happy to complete the puzzle, only to find that I will never fit into the picture. But once in a while, I see people like Samuel. A definite fresh breath of air. No rules, just break and having fun. Thank you.
gilbert at 8:59 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}